Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Return of the Douchebag Hater

Long before the rise of the JEJEMONS and the so-called JEJEBUSTERS, I was already in the business of prying open different Friendster profiles (because Friendster is just filled with losers) and scouting for post-worthy pictures of douchebags. I had called them douchebags in the past, in my other blog. They are actually what had always been known as "jologs" and what I think have evolved into "jejemons".

Douchebags. Jologs. Jejemons.



They're all one thing--LOSERS.

I had used simple criteria in my old post to determine who in the great herds of people are douchebags. Now that we are at this juncture, I think it is but proper to come up with a fresh set of standards for douchebaggery. After all, since my early years of douchebag-busting, there are now more people who might share this same interest.

Off the top of my head, you know someone is a douchebag/jologs/jejemon if:

  1. He/she has a stupid expression plastered across his/her freaking face every time his/her picture is taken. Oftentimes, they just want to achieve the angas effect.

  2. He/she has an urgent compulsion to make a hand signal in a picture. The meaning of such hand signal is usually unknown even to the douchebag himself. They're stupid kasi so they do things they do not really understand or comprehend. Which brings us to...

  3. He/she does things which he/she thinks are cool or will make him/her cool. In reality, however, they actually personify the statement feeling gwapo, looking gago. And because he/she feels so cool...

  4. He/she has this need to give their "cool" group an equally "cool" name...and make a sappy group collage. Strike sappy. Insert cool. Of course, if the group has a name, he/she also has to come up with a cool nickname for him/herself.

  5. He/she uses the same "cool" accessories in all of their pictures. One fake rayban aviator lenses + badass trucker cap = 1,000 pictures spread across his/her lifetime. Apparently, you can try to look cool, but...kung cheap ka, cheap ka.

A fun way to test drive our five standards is to google an ultra tacky term that only douchebags would use. Be creative. Step in their fake Nike Dunk Lows and feel the jejemon blood rush through your veins.

Ohm. Ohm. OhHHhmmMmzzz...

I decided to look up tropang gangsta. Ah, treasure trove indeed. Readily, I stumble upon a Friendster profile. What are the odds?!

Let's try our five standards on MR.[SiMpLe]

  • Stupid expression on ugly face. Check.

  • Stupid hand signal that even he does not understand the meaning of. Check.

  • Feeling gwapo, looking freakishly gago. Check.

  • Cheap aviators. Jeje cap. Check. Check.

  • Stupid nag-a-ala gangster nickname (Zhakim - "sakim", jejemized). Check.

  • Lame-ass group with a lame-ass group name. Check.

CHUPA Clan? Seriously? You think you boys are so badass? Sige nga, try to translate your group name in English. I suppose you won't feel as astig, eh?

Don't you just love the stupidity? Chupa All-Star--CHOOSE ONE?! LMAO. ROFL. I could die if I continue laughing this hard. The fugly one wearing the fake Sean John shirt even has two stars photoshopped in to be his earrings. I mean, come on? You should be pretty clueless to think that THIS is cool, in any way. Ugh. Well, even though they have squat of an idea what their group name really means, I think it serves its purpose. These "gangsters" sure do look like those who get paid for rendering certain "services" to willing and paying customers. Call boy 10 piso onli.

There. I'm officially back in the game. First mission back accomplished. From now on until school resumes, I guess, I will be devoting some time in busting more of these losers. I'll post pictures, for sure. Mocking is super fun when you actually see the mockery of human beings these douchebags are. Chupa clan...hilarious. Good times. Good friggin' times.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Dear Ate Raymond

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

President's Son Buys Alcohol While the Metro Drowns in Ondoy

Ortigas Extension, Height of Ondoy Rains

Mikey Arroyo's Important Purchase, Height of Ondoy Rains

This is not a trick of any kind. This is the ultimate paparazzi picture (grabbed from Facebook, not my own). Shown here is Presidential Son Mikey Arroyo as he was seen buying liquor at Rustan's Supermarket in the middle of Ondoy's wrath.

There is a trend I see here. The first family has this penchant for celebrating like gluttons while the rest of the country is either in mourning or in state of calamity. A few months ago, PGMA and her cohorts were reported to have all those lavish dinners. These were held while President Cory was on her last days.

Now, Mr. Pogi Mikey is caught on his way to trying to get wasted while the rains poured and washed away the lives of many. Maybe we should schedule a Winnie Monsod interview again? For the full effect? I am just so interested what his palusot will be this time. I am so sure that with that palusot will be that trademark gum-showing grin he got from his mother.

[UPDATE] Mikey's reaction to the paparazzi shot

Tama bang pati facebook i-regulate? Pwede ba? Ang engot masyado ng comeback eh. Ang engot lang as in. And, by the way, your alibi is so lame, I want to serve it to Winnie Monsod and have her eat it for breakfast. I'd utterly enjoy that bit.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The President's Son Shaking in His Boots

For the latest Philippine news stories and videos, visit GMANews.TV

Dear Mikey,

A few things.

You're making your lawyers do an accountant's job. The SALN is, yes, a statutory requirement, but it is, first and foremost, a form of financial report. I do not see the logic there to have your lawyers do it. Unless you are more concerned with circumventing the law than issuing an accurate SALN.

You're pulling my leg. The corporation that you claim you have a 40% or so interest therein owns the California mansion. You figure that such a corporation is engaged in real estate. In short, assuming that what you're saying is legit, the mansion is part of the corporation's inventory (held for sale), and yet, it is used by the shareholders as a residence whenever they are in California. Such shareholders, you say, are relatives. Such reporting of shareholdings rather than real property on your SALN, you say, is justifiable. Such method of putting real property under the name of a corporation, you say, is legal. Because the corporation is separate and distinct from its stockholders? Eh, Mikey, have you heard of the doctrine of piercing the veil of corporate fiction? A corporation shall be denied from the use of such a corporate privilege if and when it is used "as a shield to further an end subversive of justice". Kakaaral ko lang 'yan. I can't get it wrong.

You must be kidding us. You want us to bring you to court just so we could prove that such irregularities in your SALN are, in fact, a direct product of corruption? Ha? Do we need a court to find out if dogs bark?

Ang obvious mo lang, 'te. Tigilan mo na kami. Namimihasa na ang pamilya niyo. Boo.


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Nursing Board Reviewers or Model Wannabes?

This is going to be short and fast. I hope.

I was on an FX ride to Quiapo last Saturday when, as I was passing by the España-Morayta area, I saw huge billboards of Nursing Review Centers. The ads were not the ordinary enumerations of what types of services the review centers have to offer. They were not mechanical. Not boring. As a matter of fact, they were too amusing and, well, hilarious.

The review centers, well at least those which ads caught my attention, have a thing for hiring models to endorse their services. But, mind you, these characters they call endorsers are not the Lucky Manzanos (St. Augustine) or the Sarah Geronimos (AMA). That would be too common, I guess. To stand out, these review centers hire...wait for it...wait for it...ITS OWN REVIEWERS to model for them. I say "model" not just "endorse" because I do think there is a glaring distinction between the two. When someone "endorses", that someone merely "poses" for the camera. But, when someone "models", that someone "works" the camera. Like so...

Barf bag, anyone?

I just cannot think of any sane reason why institutions that aim to educate soon-to-be PROFESSIONALS would resort to such marketing strategies that are so, I don't know, superficial? Theatrical? Showbiz-like? It does not help MY cause that they--the so-called reviewers-slash-the-next-matinee-idols--seem to so enjoy it. They're working it, aren't they? They are so working it that I think I'm going to enrol for the next review session. Or not. I'm not sure, but is this type of behavior, este, marketing strategy common nowadays? I mean, for example, I still don't see CPA review centers with established reputations such as CPAR and PRTC put up billboards with Mr. Valix or Ms. Cabrera on them. Well, it may just boil down to two things: one, these nursing review centers are not as established as the CPA review centers I've mentioned or two, CPA reviewers are not as photogenic as nursing reviewers. Who knows, diba? one can work the camera like these blokes do. Move over, Piolo.

Piolo? No, no, no. Mr. Carl Balita (shown working it in picture above) most probably got his pensive look as inspired by another veteran by the name of...

Presenting the roster of highly reputable models, este, reviewers of the Sultan Review Group:

[L-R] Mr. Tall Dark Handsome Daw, Mr. Funny Little Man, Mr. Oblique Pose Gluta Look, Mr. Fit and Trim Founder, Tonette Macho, Mr. Lean Toward Sexy Slutty Co-Reviewer, Ms. Sexy Slutty Reviewer, and wait...Ely Buendia, izdatchu? They are a better looking bunch, if you ask me.

In fairness to Edmond Sultan, though. The founder of the SRG may actually be a model. Kudos to you, bra.

I have the slightest idea of how well these nursing review centers actually are in terms of producing topnotchers and passers. I would just want to get things straight, though. What I find so, er, amusing is the "marketing strategy" these centers employ. Their performance, which is surely very satisfactory, is not my concern, really. I just find their behavior a bit odd and laughable, that's all. They might be, well, GENERALLY presentable and photogenic (give or take a few tweaks on photoshop) individuals, but I still don't think review schools should resort to such advertising, taken that they are, after all, institutions that cater to the needs of would-be PROFESSIONAL...REGISTERED NURSES. The least they can do is be more professional and less aesthetic.

That was a fast enough post, don't you think?

For sources of photos above and links to the nursing review centers mentioned, refer to the following links:
Carl Balita Review Center
Carl E. Balita Group
Sultan Review Group (Nursing)
Sultan Review Group Photos
Boy Abunda

Friday, June 26, 2009

BF: The Smartest Presidentiable

It's a good thing I didn't watch the 2nd ANC Leadership Forum. I would have either died of nosebleeds or went on cardiac arrest from hysterical laughter.

S - as in Sobra na...
T - as in Tama na...
U - as in nakaka-Umay na...
P - as in Pwede ba?
I - as in Itigil na...
* - as in Dog.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Sina Kapitan Putok, Boy Bakat at ang Pink Boxers with Turtle Prints [pictures by the Global Paparazzi]

It has been a little over a week since I got home from a two-week backpacking trip across four Southeast Asian cities.

Scorching hot summer sun.
Occasional rain showers.

All that pero, opcors, may okrayang ding naganap.

I would like to introduce to you a few, very UNIQUE individuals I met along the way.


Exposed in the Park

Ay, si koyah, kita brip.

Kapitan Putok

He was as any junk captain would be, I suppose. But the odor was to die for as in nakamamatay. We were meters away, but we could still smell IT. Salt water breeze and underarm emissions sooo don't go together.


Man of My Dreams

Not! I caught this hunk of a man in the middle of his photo op at the Grand Palace in Bangkok. Apparently, it wasn't fulfilling enough to just stand and smile for the camera. He had to, one, wear his oh so fashionable belt bag and, two, role his sleeve up and pose with his badass bicep tattoo showing. What was even funnier was when he wasn't satisfied with his first shot, he asked his friend to retake it! Our hunk here sure knows how to compose a shot, doesn't he? What a douche!


A not-so-ordinary day at the beach

Beach Volleyball

There are a couple of unusual things in this picture. One, the girl in the bikini has a tattoo which, to me, looks like her butt crack. Two, the guy in the middle's concept of beach-volleyball-appropriate get-up is appalling. Belt? White cotton pants rolled up to appear as if they were shorts? Can anybody be more hilarious?

Pong Pagong had his hand in this.

That day, I knew there was something wrong with the beach. It wasn't because of the lack of colorful marine life nor the murky waters, although they were surely part of the general atrocity. Mainly, that day on the beach was off because we kept on seeing men in truly unusual outfits. Pink boxers with turtle prints? Really? At may shawl ka pa ha...iba na yan...

And in the tradition of men in truly unusual beach outfits...

Boy Bakat's Father

Did I not already tell you that we didn't have a good day at the beach? Seriously...with so little fabric, how could any sane man think he could fit everything in there? What's that in his waist? His camera's lens cap? It's one thing to sport nuthuggers. It's another thing when you use them to store camera accessories. Blech.

And BOY BAKAT himself...

I felt the need to somehow conceal his identity. But of course, without depriving you with shots showcasing his...erm...abs? Hehe. I think he realized his booboo and got embarassed at some point. Who could have blamed him really? We were laughing at this guy so hard, not discreetly, mind you, that he immediately got out of the water and made his way to the showers. Sino naman kasi ang may sabi na mag-brip ka sa beach, ha? Kadiri lang. You are, indeed, your father's son.

It might be a while until my next trip. Something tells me that from now on, I will be forever be wary of heading for the beach. After what I've seen, I think I might need psychological treatment.